Arizona Vacation (Dec. 3-Dec. 12, 2004)

This vacation review from our trip to Arizona from December 3-12, 2004 has been so long overdue that if it were a library book, my overdue fees would be enough to own a wing of the library and print circulation of the book would have ceased long ago. It has just been sitting on my desktop at work waiting to get typed into when I have time and I finally had some time. Just for the records my Philadelphia vacation encompassed 3,731 words, Rocky Point 2,535 words, California 5,113 words, and this one is 4,142 words. Without further ado, here is a quick review (of what I can remember) from that trip.

Friday, December 3rd

After a nice, long nap on the plane ride there thanks to having the middle seat empty and a couple overly friendly female flight attendants from Southwest Jim and I are ready to go out, but it’s already 11pm when we leave the airport. We are taken by bus on a 20 minute drive to seemingly nowhere to pick up our rental car. I thought it was going to be the equivalent of Pee Wee getting a ride from Large Marge and having to jump out of the bus, but carrying the golf clubs and luggage we never would have made it on our own. We were staying at my parent’s house in northwest suburban Phoenix, in a town called Fountain Hills. So named because it is home to the largest man made fountain in the US (world?). It’s a quiet little town where anyone over the age of 30 (most of the town) is asleep by 9pm so pretty much all of the places in the town close early too.

We got to downtown Tempe on the Arizona State campus to go to some bars around 12:30 so we didn’t have much time. Even though it was a Friday, it was finals week so there weren’t many people out milling around on Mill Ave. A major obstacle was the arts and crafts fair was set up on the street with barricades around it so cars couldn’t drive through. All the booths were closed by the time we got there, but arts and crafts don’t exactly encourage the youths to go out and party. Unless the wristbands to get into the bars were multicolored lanyards, because I’ve always wanted one of those, I wasn’t biting on any covers this night so we just went to a small bar I don’t remember the name of and went home. You know it’s a small bar if you can’t remember the name of it and you only had one drink.

Saturday, December 4th

We had made a tee time online for 2pm and of course it was raining. It was pretty cold for Arizona weather, about 50-55 degrees, and we tried to finish 18, but could only get through 12. The club flew out of my hands at least 3 times and ended up going further than the ball each time. I lost more balls than holes played I think. Somewhere, Titleist executives are targeting their new marketing campaign towards people like me. After we quit due to inclement weather that left us as the only people on the course we went back to the pad. As soon as we jumped in the car we jacked up the heat to high and put our hands in front of the vents to defrost them since they had no feeling left in them. One of the greatest feelings ever. At home we watched a Laguna Beach marathon. Somehow, there are very few things more satisfying than watching these rich high school girls do nothing with their life while I do nothing with mine and watch them. Kristin is hot. So is LC. Laguna Beach 2 starting July 25th on MTV! (Edit: It’s already aired 5 episodes and they are spectacular!)

Tory came up from Tucson with her Idaho friend who was going to get married, but lately I have found out she did not get married after all and isn’t even dating the guy anymore. But I digress. We went out to a piano bar on Mill Ave. called the Big Bang. I won’t write any of the obvious 389 jokes that I could here. It was a pretty cool place and packed on a Saturday night. The two guys on dueling pianos knew all the popular songs to play to get the crowd going and even started an ASU-U of A chant and did their fight songs. Afterwards, we grabbed some food from Jack in the Box and headed home.

Sunday, December 5th

The day was very rainy and chilly for Arizona. We had wanted to go play more golf but it wasn’t even possible so we just sat around all day and watched tv. Later on we decided to go to eat at Red Robin, which is a favorite place of mine because you get free refills on French fries! I can’t believe this craze hasn’t caught on at more places since it’s an amazing idea. Who doesn’t want unlimited fries? Imagine that policy and McDonald’s or Portillo’s or any place that has great fries. I guess there’d be a lot more fat people walking around but they’d all be so happy. We rented a couple movies including Mean Girls and Dodgeball. Then we hit up Justin’s new house to see what all the fuss was about. It was barren of much stuff but it was a nice place in a cul-de-sac. It was still wet and drizzly outside (who came up with the word drizzle?) so we didn’t do much except for getting groceries for the week. There’s so much freedom in shopping for food in a huge grocery store at 2am with only 5 other people milling around.

Monday, December 6th

Another glorious day of waking up late and going golfing at the same course we golfed at two days earlier only it was not a monsoon this time and we finished all 18 holes. Golfing badly always makes you work up an appetite so we went to this place called Rustler’s Rooste to eat dinner. This restaurant is really cool and I give Justin props for suggesting it. It’s a big place up on top of a hill in southern Phoenix in a resort area. It has a giant patio and a live cow grazing outside the front door that lights farts like no other cow ever has. The whole city could be started on fire if just one of its farts was lit. They have an old slide that you can go down in the middle of the restaurant that was supposedly used as an escape hatch from robbers in the old days. It also has this dish for dinner called Cowboy Stuff, that is 30 bucks for 2 people and has a ton of food just splattered on a platter including potatoes, meat, vegetables, etc. etc. etc. Their drinks are served in glass jars. It is just a cool place to go and I recommend going if you are ever in Phoenix. It just being the two of us again for one last night we didn’t have much to do so we did what any two, studly, heterosexual males would do. We went home….and watched Mean Girls. Great, spectacular movie that captures the imagine like you’re a little kid meeting someone famous for the first time. A night at home with another dude just doesn’t get much better than that. I have to rank watching Mean Girls as one of the top 5 most satisfying movie going experiences of my lifetime.

Tuesday, December 7th

Tuesday is the first day that someone other than Jim and I is scheduled to arrive. Kevin gets in at night so we went golfing again during the day at Karsten ASU golf course. This is a pretty cool course on which I scored my first ever legitimate birdie. Before we played I had actually run out of golf balls from sucking so bad the first two times we went that I had to swallow my pride and buy a 12 pack of ASU golf balls. Somehow with my luck, they tended to stay on the course and with me for a while. Go figure. One of the best parts of the trip was adventure to find one of the best hidden secrets in the world. Bahama Bucks shaved ice. It took us a while to find it but when we did over an hour later it was well worth it. This place has the best shaved ice in the world you will ever eat. They can add cream to it to make it taste like an orgasm in your mouth (so I guess some girls know what that would taste and feel like already). I got blueberry and watermelon together and kept getting free cream refills. I cannot explain to you just how good it tastes until you taste it. Sadly, it is only located in Arizona.

The night commenced after picking up Kevin at where else? Hooters. The Hooters was the third level in a 4 story type complex that housed the Big Bang at the bottom underground, the Library bar at street level, Hooters on top of that and another bar with a patio overlooking Mill Ave. on top of that. We ate some food and then went downstairs to the library to “study”. By study I mean drink. And watch magic tricks. There was a magician roaming around performing for drunken coeds who were amazed by his sleight of hand. No place was very full since it was a Tuesday before finals. The other places we went to were Acme and Dos Gringos. At Acme some girl was dancing and Kevin says “she can’t keep up with me”. Well, sure enough she overheard him say this amidst the roar of the bar and she walks over and challenges him to dance. It doesn’t last long because a friend of hers came but if Evander Holyfield had showed up we could have had a “Dancing with the Stars” competition right then and there. It was on to the trailer park trash bar next at Dos. This place had a very unique setup. Since it was Arizona it was a two story open air bar with a giant fountain in the middle and lots of cheap Corona. It was sort of like an apartment complex type deal with the balconies overlooking the lobby type area with the fountain in it. The fact that you aren’t allowed to smoke in bars in Arizona plus the fact it is still warm enough at night in December to not have to wear a jacket and there are heat lamps outside at every bar makes for a supremely comfortable bar-going experience. This enables you to wear the same shirt multiple times on a trip without washing it since it never get smelly. The only thing that was a downer about the night is that our house is about a half hour or more away from everything but the speed limits are all higher out there so it really flies by.

Wednesday, December 8th

The big arrival day to double our group size has arrived! Laura, Mike, and Bernie were all set to arrive later on at night. Little did Laura know, since she had never met Mike and Bernie before, that they had a connecting flight in Chicago and would end up on the same flight as her. Weird how things like that happen. Jim, Kevin and I met up with Justin for lunch near his work and went climbing on nearby Camelback mountain. There are pictures of this on the yahoo website. This climb was definitely not easy and I think at one point my legs wanted run back down the mountain and throw themselves in a hottub for ten hours. It was a great view once you get to the top but you stay there for such a short time comparatively that it makes you wonder why you climbed so far. I guess the fun is all in the journey and not the destination if you like torturing your body. The only thing worth rewarding ourselves with after this hike was, drumroll…you guessed it! Bahama Bucks shaved ice! It was perfect. Nothing less than expected.

We didn’t end up having to pick up Laura since she made friendly with Mike and he drove her out to Mill Ave. again where we hit up an ASU bar and ate some disgusting cheese fries. The next destination was the Loft, the upper tier of the 4 story complex that included Hooters and co. It had this sweet outdoor patio that overlooked the street and we chilled there for the night. All was right with the world. Our other video rental was waiting for us when we got back home. Dodgeball was popped in, which I hadn’t seen, and it was hilarious. So many great moments in that movie. That might be the best one-two rental I have made in a while considering I never rent movies. Boom, boom, chee. Boom, boom, chee.

Thursday, December 9th

The gang decided to do one of my favorite activities of all time this afternoon. Miniature golfing! We went to Funtasticks without Mike, who wasn’t ready as usual to go out even though it was 3pm when we left to go. While we were leaving the place, which had a range, arcade, batting cages, 3 mini golf courses, beach volleyball, bumper boats and a racetrack we ran into Luis Gonzalez. He plays for the Arizona Diamondbacks. It was kind of cool but we didn’t say anything to him because he was with his kid who was presumably at the batting cages. With all that money he should just build his own batting cage. Rustler’s Rooste got such great reviews from Jim and I eating there that we all decided on going there again for dinner. We were all set to go but Mike was not ready to go again and it was four hours later! So instead of waiting we dropped off our Mean Girls rental and then came back to pick him up. The Cowboy Stuff was ordered and the slide was slid down and it was good times. Some might say it was special. I won’t go that far.

The next phase of our plan of coolness was heading to the hippest club in Scottsdale and possibly all of the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, Axis/Radius. Michael Jordan has been known to get private rooms here and party as well as other popular baseball players during spring break. It was relatively empty while we were there because it was Thursday but it picked up later. It cost $10 to get in I think. It is split into two parts. The Axis part is hip-hop and the Radius part is techno. Or maybe it’s reversed. They had outdoor fireplaces and scantily clad ladies are dancing on podiums in the techno part. And by scantily clad I mean naked. On the way home we decided it was beerpong night. We stopped at a gas station and picked up the necessary supplies just in time and headed on for a memorable night of red cups and ping pong balls. We played a couple games of Philly vs. Chicago until a mishap occurred but that was quickly adjusted to. The ridiculousness occurred later while I wasn’t playing. During each turn it looked like a game straight out of BASEketball. All, and I mean all, techniques were deployed to stop the other team from being able to concentrate during their shot. If I ever see a game with said techniques performed again it will be too soon. Bedtime at 5am was not late enough as Mike stayed up all night and Laura was easily persuaded to do so as well because I heard them outside my bedroom window all night drunkenly talking about random topics by the pool until the sun came up.

Friday, December 10th

Some of us woke up early enough to get out the door by 3pm without feeling like a sack of dead mice to leave for Tucson. Jim, Kevin, Laura, and I drove in one car while Mike and Bernie left later in their own car to meet up with their buds in the Old Pueblo. We got to the campus of my favorite college, the University of Arizona, and Laura was too hungover and tired to walk around campus as the sun was going down. We made it around a mini tour of the union but since she didn’t bring any gym shoes to walk in her feet hurt. Stopped by McKale to check out where the best team in college basketball plays. A bunch of us were going out to dinner at Sakura, one of our regular group outing restaurants in Tucson and we met at Josh’s house before going out. It is there that the Chicago crew first got to experience the wonder of Matt, Marc, Josh, etc. before eating, which amazingly did not destroy anyone’s appetite! It was Clint’s birthday and his girlfriend was there along with another girl and Megan, Josh’s girlfriend. We all did saki-bombing chanting out the Man Show mantra “ziggy socket ziggy socket hoy hoy hoy” twice and then pounding the table to drop the shot into the beer and chug it. I hurt my hand on the first pounding because I was a little rusty at it but I’m a warrior. Kevin got some video of us bombing with a napkin tied around my forehead and our chef flipping food and alternately lighting it on fire. My favorite part is when he flings you the food with the knife and you have to catch it in your mouth. Just makes me want to eat. Mike and Bernie met us up there for a little while before we finished eating and went off to the Keys for some after dinner partying. Tory and Alex met us up there making it a full fledged party with everyone I used to hang out with in college there in one place except for Wheeler, who was scheduled to drive down.

At this point I had already had two bottles of saki while most everyone else had only had one yet I was feeling fine. I grabbed a beer on the way in and started to mingle with everyone. It wasn’t that full, but it was still only 10. After a while I can’t really tell you what happened or how it happened but people can definitely vouch that I ended up making out with a short little blond girl named Nina that I met. She was from Germany and spoke pretty good English. I danced with her, to my amazement and recollection not as terrible as I could have been, and we continued to hang out well after everyone I knew had left the Keys. I have to give props to Kevin for attempting to be a wingman to her friend that night even though she was having nothing of the sort and didn’t really pay much attention to him, much preferring an older gentlemen with a shaved head. Well, we actually ended up going to this dude’s house, all four of us (not Kevin) and he was pretty hooked up with the stuff he owned. We went with the intention of hottubing, even though I had no shorts to speak of with me, but we never actually made it to the hottub…IF you know what I mean? If you don’t, then that is good as well. Suffice it to say I didn’t make it back to Josh’s until 6am, but it was one of the more fun and better nights I’ve ever enjoyed. It ranks in my top 5 of most memorable nights. It segued nicely right into…

Saturday, December 11th

I set my alarm for 8am so that I could try and get up for Arizona-Utah basketball tickets. They went on sale on game day to the public at 9am and I thought I’d give it a shot, and at least grab a poster if nothing else. I didn’t feel too great waking up on two hours of sleep but it being December and over 80 degrees along with the night I just had was enough to wake up happy. I parked outside McKale and waited for tickets, seemingly the only one who got up that day to wait in line. When the window opened at 9am I was the first one in line and got two tickets for the game. Suddenly a line formed behind me of about 30 people waiting. I don’t know if they were lifted in by helicopter but I didn’t even see 30 people. They popped up out of nowhere like a case of herpes. No matter I got my tickets, picked up Jim and went to the game. It was a great game with Arizona barely winning in the last minute against a team featuring Andrew Bogut. Afterwards we continued to enjoy the gorgeous weather and met up Mike, Bernie, Kevin and Laura on 4th Ave. for the street fair. It was nicest December 11th day I’ve ever experienced. Walked around the fair for a while, dropped by the old digs at Entrada and then split up with Mike and Bernie going to visit some friends and the rest of us going up on “A” mountain that overlooks the city. Climbing up on to the A was a lot easier than climbing Camelback mountain a couple days earlier. Something that is much appreciated after downing some Wendy’s. I was running on almost no sleep but when it’s so nice out you don’t notice it as much.

We drove back up to Phoenix and stopped at Bahama Bucks before resting for a night out. On our BB punchcard we had 9 ices punched and one more punched would give us a free ice but we never quite made it to ten. I’m craving one right now at 7am even just writing about it. We met up with Justin at night at a club of his choosing that had a long line out front and in customary Wheeler fashion he says “fuck this, I ain’t waiting in line” so we went to the Devil’s Martini across the street. Mike and Bern met us there later as I told Justin about my Tucson story in the car and drank wine. He was very shocked by the punchline to the story, which I withheld for the longest time waiting for the right moment to spring it. It’s always fun to surprise Justin since he is straight faced or bullshitting you 99.7% of the time. At the bar, which was super nice and probably a little out of our league. Jim put it in perspective by saying "I think this might be the nicest place I ever farted." Justin opened up his credit card for drinks. He made it a two drink maximum but then was upset when he got his bill at the end of night saying we didn’t charge enough on it. It was about $80. There was a lot of effort put into buying as many beers and giant mixed drinks as we could but if it was in Chicago the tab would have easily been twice that. Justin wanted to find a club open until 4am, but we couldn’t find one. The strip club was closed and he didn’t know the exact locations of the other bars he knew about. He had a nice long conversation with the 411 girl all night asking her about cool places to go and what she likes to do. Half of us gave up and went back home but Mike, Laura, Bern, and Justin stayed out and drove around looking for any place that would take them. They ended up getting food and Justin crashed disappointedly on the couch with visions of the 411 girl dancing in his head.

Sunday, December 12th

I drove Justin to his truck in the morning and then went to look for a lamp replacement part. No such luck after looking through thousands of styles. We went back home and packed up and cleaned the house. It was a warm and balmy 80 degrees when we left to go back to the cold. Mike and Bern left an hour before us to catch their flight. It was a great trip even if I didn’t capture the funniest or craziest moments in this blog because I couldn’t remember them all or they were self censored. Coordinating all of it was a task but it was well worth it getting all my friends from all over the country into one place, if even for just a night, in my adopted hometown of Tucson.